What I’ve Learned So Far After 9 Years of Marriage

marriage advice

During my 6-year long career as a wedding DJ, I’ve heard some pretty terrible and superficial marriage advice. If you calculate it – 400 weddings x 3 speeches per wedding that’s like 1200+ speeches I’ve heard and a lot of marriage advice being dispensed.

Some of it was an attempt at humour, some of it was just really vague. Here’s a sampling:

“Never go to bed angry.” – wrong IMHO!

“Put your hand on top of her hand – because that’s the last time you’ll have the upper-hand!” – wah-wah. Terrible.

“Happy wife, happy life.” – ok sure, but then what?

Paul and I are coming up to our 10-year wedding anniversary this year (here’s the story of how we met) and I’ve learned a lot of things about marriage. Since Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, I thought I would share what I’ve learned so far after 9 years of marriage:

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No Relationship is Perfect

Sure, we all have our #RelationshipGoals – but I think it’s worth repeating that no relationship is perfect, despite what you might see on Facebook. Dude, being married is haaaaaard work – you have to learn to be a team and you’re not going to agree on everything. Nor will you will always have the same outlook, but it means a lot if you have the same values and beliefs.

The things my husband and I argue about it are still the same things we argued about when we were 23 – cleaning and money. Even though we’ve finally ponied up and got a monthly cleaning service, it’s still a topic we can’t always seem to agree upon – but now we argue about it less and our cleaning service is worth every damn penny.

We also argue about money less – especially after we joined our finances because we now we tackle bills, debt and income as a team.

 

Fight Fair + Go To Bed Angry!

One of the most repetitive pieces of marriage advice that I’ve heard in a lot of wedding advice speeches is to never go to be angry.

I completely disagree with this statement.

My advice is to fight fair and avoid saying crap you’ll regret later. Sometimes its good to take a breather, get out of the house, go for a walk and yes go to bed ANGRY so you can both calm down and approach the problem with a clear head tomorrow.

 

 

Done is Better Than Perfect

Sure, my husband may not clean to my exacting high neat freak standards – but done is better than perfect and I appreciate that he does it. Once we let go of the crazy perfect standards we hold ourselves to, we can just live our life and get on with things.

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Be Nice to Each Other

You spend A LOT of  your time with your significant other, it’s easy to take each other for granted – so be nice to each other. Do something special for them, plan a surprise night out.

And seriously, if you can’t be nice to each other – why be with that person?

 

Ditch the Silent Treatment

I don’t like to play, “Guess why I’m mad?” It’s a shitty game. Instead communicate your feelings clearly so the other person knows exactly what you’re thinking. Try, “I’m pissed off about  ________ because it makes me feel like __________.

There.

Doesn’t that already make you feel better? Now you can get on with communicating and working through whatever it is you need to work through. Communication is always key – that one is a no-brainer.

 

Is He or She The ONE?

Can you imagine life without this person in a non co-depedant way? Do you want to be with he or she everyday for the rest of life? Or is this person interchangeable? Are they special to you? Do they treat you well? Are they controlling? These are some good questions to ask yourself before you dive into getting married.

You’ll also want to make sure you talk about your finances, having or not having kids and your dreams and goals. Being on the same page truly helps.

 

So that’s my advice from my personal experience. So what makes your relationship work? Do you have any marriage advice to share?  When did you know it wasn’t working?

 

 

  • So many good points here! Talking about kids, finances and goals is SO important. James and I knew we were open to moving around right from the get go. So when he got a job in the US we were both like “yay new adventure!” I can’t imagine how that would have gone if we didn’t have those talks before we got married.

    • That’s so awesome that the both of you were on the same page and ready to take on a new adventure together!